Friday 7 September 2012

The myth of women drivers.

There is possibly nothing more straining on my relationship of three years than when its my turn to drive. We both avoid this occurance like the bubonic plague. Firstly, I should point out I am a fantastic driver, there is no dent in the boot of my ka, who is affectionately called Dave. His clio had a nasty run in with an illegally parked land rover and a careless reverse. For the three years I have been let loose on the road I have never had a crash or breakdown, touch wood. But nevertheless, men become rather chauvanists around cars. "bloody women drivers" seems to be the general consensus.
My superb parking.
Usually, I love driving. I plug my ipod shuffle into my old school cassette player and Dave becomes a portable disco and kareoke bar. I've honed my opera skills to (in my subjective opinion) perfection. I am quite aware that I look an absolute tit when driving as I probably appear to be shouting animatedly to myself.
But the second my boyfriend gets in the car tensions rise. He will spend the whole journey praying loudly for his safety, screaming "oh my god you nearly killed us woman" at regular intervals. In my defence, how am you supposed to concentrate when there's a hyperchondriac whinging next to you? Also his unappreciation for my excellent music taste puts me off my game.
There is also the small issue of my geographical awareness. If you were to put me in my home town and spin me around I would be lost. I subsquently spend half the journey crying that I'm lost. So picture a grown 6ft man, screaming for his life, "what are you doing woman?" Hanging frantically onto the dashboard. And then me yelling "where the hell are we?", taking an hour to make a ten minute journey, and interrupting any conversation to belt out a dashboard confessionals number. Now you have a basic insight onto how road trips with me as the driver are for my boyfriend.
I guess its part of the male DNA to be terrified of female drivers and to find it impossible to relax in the passengers seat. I feel I should reasssure him that I don't intend to kill us, and if you still don't like it, take the bus.
But just when I start to consider the idea that I may actually be a terrible driver, I ask jono to drive Dave up to chester for me, as I don't feel confident enough to make such a long journey safely myself. I say goodbye and relax knowing he will get Dave safetly up north as he's so confident and experienced, I turn around, reassured, to wave good bye, only to find him driving the wrong way down a one way street...

Sunday 2 September 2012

I'm on a boat

As a 21st birthday present/graduation gift my mum took me on a cruise. She was a little disappointed when I didn't request a Mediterranean cruise, I prefer aesthetics to heat, but happily she booked a 14night cruise to the Norwegian fjords. Stopping at Iceland, The Faroe Islands and Norway. We crossed the Arctic Circle into the land of the midnight sun and saw a tiny faint glimpse of the Northern Lights. Joining us on our cruise was our friend Iris; mum's sign language buddy and  a fellow thespian from my theatre club, also came her good friend Christine. Our ship of choice was the Celebrity Eclipse, at over a thousand feet long it's certainly an impressive beast to look at.

Cruising is very much like marmite, you'll either love it or you will hate it. Rather than bore you with ever minute detail of the cruise, (don't you just hate it when you're forced to sit through endless hours of holiday snaps, gouge my eyes out please!) i'll just give you my highlights. During my time there I knew precisely which of my friends would love cruising and exactly why, I vividly imagined certain ones purchasing the premium unlimited drinks card and I could visualise them hopping from one cocktail bar to another every day, and if any of them are reading this they know exactly who they are... Without a doubt the vast selection of cocktail bars and the even grander selection of cocktails on offer were one of my highlights. I know this may seem borderline alcoholic, profusely proclaiming my love for cocktails above everything else, but I should remind you that one; I am a student and two; I am a [rather snobby] female who loves nothing more than cocktails. There were two bars that stuck out the most for me, the first being a molecular bar that claimed all ingredients were fresh and healthy, probably meaning it was all pure alcohol and no fuzzy carbonated crap. The dragon fly and lucky cat cocktails were not only potent but they were liquid nitrate ones, meaning they were all steamy and impressive looking. I'm not sure there's anything cockier than sitting with a steamy cocktail but I think I nailed it. Another favourite cocktail of mine was this rather pretty one that was pink and contained rose petals. It was foamy and ridiculously potent. The other bar we were impressed by was the Martini Bar. The bartender had serious pouring skills, we once witnessed him pouring 11 drinks in one go. We made the serious mistake of going during happy hour; the martini's are without doubt the strongest i've ever had. The cosmopolitans are such a pale pink colour, which demonstrates exactly how punchy these drinks are, cheap and weak cosmopolitans tend to be heavy on the juice and are a garish florescent reddish pink colour, when you cocktail is four parts various liquours and one part juice you know you're in trouble. The most exciting thing about this bar though was the fact it was an ice bar, all the vodkas were being chilled in a mountain of ice and the actual bar top was iced over, I had great fun writing my name into the counter. There were of course many other watering holes, the wine cellar is something I know my boyfriend would die for. It's a state-of-the-art Enomatic wine-by-the-glass dispensing system where you simply swipe your sea pass (more on this later) and pour yourself a glass of wine from these rather funky machines. You can try a wide variety of unknown wines or the classic favourites. 



Now I guess you can't talk about the drinks without talking about the food. I have always considered myself a bit of a foodie and am without doubt a bit of a food snob, I was looking forwards to the elegant meals and 5 star cuisine. The only set back was the fact this is an American ship, and say what you want about British food, American food is particularly bland. So whilst I was dining on veal in a rosemary jus, or lobster in garlic butter, there was a distinct lack of flavour. There were occasional foods that stuck out, but this was primarily starters such as the smoked salmon and caviar, which was particularly delightful. I don't want to slate the food, it was all very nice, I just expected a little different. Another problem for me personally was the sheer quantity, I hate wasting food but with the gastronomical amount of food available at the breakfast and lunch buffets I genuinely couldn't cope. And everyone who knows me will tell you I can put away a hell of a lot of food. 

We did visit two specialty restaurants which were beyond delish. Qusine is a heston blumenthal-esque style of eating, it's an experience that you share almost like tapas, except the different courses that you share are from around the world. Disco shrimps that are literally flashing lights at you, sushi lollipops which includes salmon with crushed doritos, fillet steak that comes on an artist pallet with different sauces and accompaniments. My favourite was the lava crab, but that's just because anything involving lobster sauce always tickles my possum. We made it through 13 courses, which resulted in me being unable to move and genuinely terrified of the FOUR red velvet cupcakes that they expected me to decorate and actually digest. I had difficulties moving for the next 24 hours. We also visited a creperie, which I often mispronounced "crapery", but it was far from crap. A genuinely delicious array of savoury and sweet crepes. At only $5 dollars for all you can eat you'd think I would have pigged out, but towards the end of the cruise the thought of eating filled me with dread and I ended up having a modest but tantalising tomato and basil bisque, and a nutella crepe. 



We did also treat ourselves to some traditional Icelandic food on land I had a Smørbrød, which is an open sandwich basically, usually on Rye bread. Mine was topped with breaded plaice, prawns, smoked salmon, caviar, asparagus and some rather tasty sauce. It was the freshest fish I'd ever eaten and totally delicious. I do wish that on board the ships they would incorporate local delicacies into the dinner menus. Even stuffed puffin heads if they must, but I just think one of the most exciting parts of visiting a new country is the opportunity to emerse yourself into their culture and embrace their customs, and that also means eating their foods. 

 
There is a million and one ways to be entertained on board, our particular favourite was the acapella band full tilt. Not only were they genuinely lovely boys, but they sounded incredible. We did sort of become groupies, making sure we saw at least one performance each night if possible. I'm pretty sure you can get their stuff up on youtube so if you're bored of reading this by now I'd suggest having a little break, watching some lovely chaps singing, then come back to me, I promise i'll talk more about interesting things. I loved their renditions of Les Mis' bring him home and Loch Lomond. Brought a little tear to the eye. 
There is a lawn club on top deck, yes a freshly cut lawn, where I was proclaimed croquet champion. We took ballroom dancing lessons and I had a private ballet class with the lovely Bryant Henderson, to get me back into shape before I take up ballet again next week. The sky observation lounge had spectacular panoramic views and a band every night for you to dance too or just a mundane DJ. Crossing the arctic circle singing to the sensational alex harvey band was something special, (yes I bet you're surprised I even know who that is.) 
There was even a nighclub and a casino on board, I just know my boyfriend would be in the latter all day and every day. There is always multiple pools and jaccuzis on ships as well as saunas & spa's. You certainly cannot be bored on sea days, infact I looked forwards to them just for the opportunity to explore. Even the library was a pleasure, for the first time in three years I had the chance to sit down, read a novel (not a flaming law textbook) and not feel guilty. So I treated myself to the fabulous Anna Karenina.



 Obviously, the entire point of going on a cruise is to see the world. Or in our case the Arctic circle. My favourite destination by far way Norway. Geiranger for the mountain hike, Olden for the Glacier Hike, Flam for the stunning train ride and Bergan for the shopping warf. Without a doubt Norway is the most stunning location I have ever seen. The rural destinations were breathtaking, the water so clear, the places to clean and just the mountains and fjords were something truly special. Even my mum, who wouldn't normally consider it a holiday unless she comes back resembling a lobster, admitted this was something spectacular.
I'm feeling the need to show you just how beautiful the place was, but also trying to not bore you to death with pictures. When mum has returned from previous cruises with thousands of photographs I've been tempted to gouge my own eyes out purely for entertainment. 



<<< This is a cheeky picture of the view we had from the outdoor cafe as we sailed out of Geiranger, through the fjords. It's deffo something worth skipping dinner for! The only problem was that everyone else seemed to have the same idea as us and it was a little crowded on deck. The British mantra of queuing patiently and not shoving was certainly our downfall this holiday, it seems some people have no qualms about pushing infront of others.  




This the beautiful view we had on our way to the glacier, such clear water and undisturbed scenery.
Another highlight of Norway was the flam rail way. It was been voted one of the most beautiful train rides in the world. It's easy to see why when you're speeding through pulchritudinous mountain scenary up to the snow capped peaks. Half way up you stop at a stunning waterfall and are treated to a surprise performance. I'm no trainspotter, but if every train journey was like that i'd be donning the cap and whistle...

The blue lagoon in Iceland was something pretty different too. It's a geothermal spa located in a lava formation. The waters are heated by the power plant next door. Being outside in the cool Icelandic air whilst bathing in warm waters is such a surreal experience. The main issue was the fact it's "customary" to shower in the buff before you enter the pool. They are kind enough to provide single sex communal showers, but it was certainly an eye opening experience. Not one I want to witness again. 


Hopefully I have managed to share my holiday without boring you completely. Cruising has a very elitist vibe, you have to be prepared to spend money on board, even though you could easily get away without spending a single penny once you've stepped on board, trust me, my grandparents have managed it. However I for one am too much of an alcoholic to not go wild and loosen the purse strings. One ingenious way of making us forget how much money we were spending on board was the sea pass, cleverly disguised as your room key. Basically you never touched your purse the entire time you were on the ship, instead you are whapped in the face with a bill at the end of the cruise, showing all the dollars those endless cocktails have accumulated in. Although I believe $700 is a rather respectable bill, yes that isn't including the $200 onboard credit, but still. I could not imagine being without a balcony, it was such a luxury yet a necessity. Being able to sit in your own little world and look out to an endless sea. I also loved the chance to dress up formally once in a while, it's something you only get to do at weddings and christmas balls but I wish we could do it more often. 

So there you go. :)